While listening to Enigma

Today was a good day... I didn't take time to sleep in, but that did not manage to interrupt my positive mood. Although the past few days I was disappointed of some of my grades, I was told I had a good margin for a very high grading in a subject I previously let myself down in. So that got my mood up. And I was friendly and social with a friend  who I otherwise usually don't take time interacting with(second day in a row).

Honestly said, I all in all envy her so much. The girl is different from me with her background and values of life and so forth, but it doesn't get in the way of our friendship and my admiring her, if I don't let it (the evil envy) to take over me. And since I had an opportunity to take my time being with her at school and even do some shopping together afterwards, it turned out smoothing out the old holes of non-interaction. I feel grateful and happy. I might want to prioritate this young, still developing friendship of ours.

And I bought... shorts! After trying out almost fifteen pairs. Black ones, blue ones, jeans and non-jeans, longer, very short and medium. I stayed with medium short, dark blue. I am satisfied. But it took a sweat, both today and yesterday... almost was convinced I never will even look at shorts again. But here I am. And the company helped.

As well as shorts, I bought a fortunate pair of summer shoes... also a success, because I took my time and bought much cheaper ones than the pairs I considered buying yesterday. High five, me!

Now I am hungry and supposed to do my Oliver Twist movie analysis. And here I am, writing in my deserted, barely alive...so called blog. I will continue with Oliver.

Numb, frustrated, calm, uninterested

Hi, after a very long break. Now, don't mistake me. I don't care about continuing on the blog anymore or about my issue of giving up on unfinished projects... I share this post mainly to get my thoughts out.

It is my inner child or however you prefer to call it, that isn't satisfied today. To deal with myself is hard. I am a little bit numb, a little bit serious... and a little bit weird. Nothing makes me happy or stimulates my senses. I cannot get a book that would satisfy me, the amazing sunshine that would always make my day doesn't make me smile and neither films or series bring any satisfaction. I cannot paint or draw cause it gets me bored, neither can I sleep because...well I can't fall asleep.

What is the issue? I don't have anything planned for today, it might be it. I get sad and panic-like when I don't have some things I know I will do that day. I guess I can make one - will go outside in ten minutes period. And I will go to sleep soon. And I will... write something, maybe.

Feeling: numb, frustrated, calm, uninterested.

We, humans

Haven't written in a while... And I continue posting in this blog mainly because of the issue I have. I tend to leave started projects unfinished. I do not want this to go on like that.

I am sitting in school and freezing. A warm cup of tea like that would make my day.
Otherwise it is fine with me. I didn't sleep so much, but it will be fine tonight, I am sure I will sleep well.
   I love the true human nature. While I read the book ''facts for life'' I once again remember the nature of me, of other people, and the insanity of these ''modern'' days is fading bit by bit. The book is about Krsna's religion/facts, their truth, their beliefs. And they are fitting to my brain. Like abortion, woman's unexisting equality with a man, other subjects - everything is interesting and inspiring. A human is sinful.

 
 So about the true human nature...what I love most about it are these aspects:
                                      *Trust
                                      *Generosity
                                      *Love (of course)
   And it is sad we have forgotten this basicly all of our lives. To trust even though you get suspicious. To be generous while you barely've got something. To love just because you know he or she or they are humans just like you, to know that they also had a ''wicked ride'' (by Melody Gardot, great song), that they have experienced losses and grattitude...just like you. Why not, why not all of this just because we can? I do not know... I have hope in humans, I think we can do better. Just maybe not now, maybe after something really terrifying happens to us... it usually takes to reach the bottom for a damn strong rise.
   There is so much to write about, when it comes to us. Sadly enough I doubt my own powers, it will take me a lifetime to say all I have in my mind.

Think

Right now at school, having a lesson. Really not feeling for working on the project I am supposed to.
I will try applying for the gymnasiet today, with my...''English tutor''. My sponsor. We laughed with her so hard just half an hour ago, when she tried to contact my (hopefully) gymnasie-to-be ''rektor'', preparing to talk... she wondered how would she introduce herself - I'm her...amm...mom..no..aunt...uhhh...sponsor? No no...English tutor? That will work when we are there, hopefully today we will be. Cannot wait. Exited, frightened at the same time. I will try calling there, asking when could I come and have a chat.

I wouldn't say I love flower photographs, but this one cought some of my attention. Great color combination between the flowers and the background.

 
 








And that is just something...morning-breezy, fresh... nice picture from Taiwan.

The new nanny we have for my baby brother is awkward. No, incorrect, not she but our ''comunication'' is. She cannot talk any languages I can except russian... and I am not a professional in that. Haha, I can barely call myself even a beginner.
   Today morning she just sat there on our kitchen couch like usual, not reading anything, not texting anything, just sitting there, waiting for the kid to wake up so she can start taking care of him. Odd, I thought. On the other hand, it is positive she can live at the moment. If you will.
   Finally, I want to call the school I will be visiting, now. It is best if I can inform my sponsor about us going there, with her son (because her hubby's not home yet).
   All in all, I slept about eight hours, I didn't receive any E's, I was before-time in the first lesson, I got along with classmates, I am drinking energy drink, I did not over-eat today. I guess I have some sanity today, I feel...good.
   One day at a time, live and let live, and think.
   In one of the books of Al-anon literature it is written about meditation, a half an hour is a good think to do. If you're stressed and in a hurry - an hour. Made me smile and realize how I never follow my daily decisions.

Smile

So Saturday last weekend I decided to try changing schools. Today I'll print out the application and will get some help from one secure person. I hope I get in. It is an international section, it would be unbelievable.
   Although on the other hand, I would prefer not changing schools so often. While still, there is one positive aspect - an advantage of knowing more people.

I think this is so gorgeous. I can just image how each and one of them smells seperatelly... brings me back to the childhood, where I could, and would, just go around and smell, feel.

I do feel proud of myself, I manage to do more and more homework within time. I manage to not hate it, which makes me enjoy it tripple as much. Well, the word enjoy is not fully what I ment. The right word would be - do. I'm able to do tripple as much, not whine about how much is left to do or isn't done from b-fore.
   I, although not having so much money, invited myself and and a friend for a drink. Hahaha, sounds fancy and all, but it's just a can of cheap energy drink for each of us. But it does make a change - I feel glad to do something that makes another person happy, I feel joy to drink somethink that I know gives me energy and all that. It isn't that unhealthy, if it is not overused, simultaniously - I have stopped drinking coffee in the mornings. Good girl.
   The vegetarian lunch at school was great today, pasta and some boiled sauce with vegetables. Tomatoes were cooked perfectly, I was so loving it.
   Swedish lesson seemed a little ''no way...'' in the start, when I saw on the board what we were going to do, which did not give me much. In the end, was not that bad at all. I underestimate some things from the start, before it happens, and I should not. Calm down, and take a look at things in your life - it is not bad at all. How bad can another lesson be?
   Now I'll leave school which I am at, and go to meet the person I was planning. Adore my life when I know I will meet somebody I like.
   The day even started well! I came to the first lesson before it started, and the clowds were unbelievable in the morning...

Eat bacon!

This made me think ''damn, why don't I have a bike for Christmas?" Illogical though.

 And I'm open-minded, so this is just hilarious.
Otherwise, left shoulder hurts and I have to work with the nature homework. A lot of it, and preciselly that is what makes me be agains it.
   Yesterday I wasn't going on a boat trip with my friend...we did stand and wait for the bus to come and drive us there, though. The bus never came. Or if it did we were standing wrong. I called for information three times, and the people couldn't help us, they themselves did not know the situation enough. What?
   So after an hour waiting we decided to spend the money otherwise, so the day wouldn not seem so bad and wouldn't bring us down. So we ate some fattie food, checked out some clothes & parfume, bought 3 doughnuts each (O.O) and watched Ted in the cinema...while eating popcorn and drinking very healthy coke not full of suggar at all.
   In the end of the day, going home, I half-regreted, thinking ''I was about to go on the boat trip just so my friend doesn't have to do it by herself...I ended up spending same amount of money doing a completely other, unecessary, stuff for no reason.'' But that is unreasonable thinking! The reason was to have a good time. And we did. The movie was cool. And it is good to go out once in a while, which I don't do too often.
   I miss other friends of mine! Hope I'll see them soon.
   One day at a time, count my blessings.

Today I am happy for who I am, mostly. I am greatfull of the ability to be so. Grattitude... a good thing.

GO fresh

The title does not have to do with anything exept my deodorant. I sprayed some of it on my feet too, after shower, when realized the name of it. Was funny. It smells lemon. Was cool in the beginning but now I feel it chokes me with chemical smell.
   Saturdays are always one of those ''early-gone late-back'' days. But today I actually stayed home till now, which is about 2pm. I hanged with my babybro to help mom do the cleaning and stuff. My dear Al-anon meeting passed without me!!! A catastrophy.
   So tomorrow I'll be either 1.On the boat with jazz and jolbord (already o.o) or 2.Babysitting and going to a meeting.
   And today...3 people I would like to hang with...one will be be busy doing his Krishna temple thing, other is at her Grandma's place somewhere far away for the weekend, and the third one...maybe is free? I'll give her a call. In the worst case I'll go out and see what happens. Spontanious can be good once in a while.
   This weekend I'm not planning to work with homework, that I will leave for monday. Exept Japanese, I will practice some words. I should, since it is a check-up on Monday...

God, grant me the serenety
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

(magic words)